✧ Trellia's Project ✧

It’s a thing after another, but millenial women now realizing they were groomed for the pediphilic male gaze is really, really frustrating. What I thought was my liberation was made to make me feel useless once I don’t look like a teenager anymore. I’m in my 40’s now. And for 15 years I’ve felt inadequate, wrong – now I know why. And I’m angry for the times lost. Angry that, since being a teenager and even before, I was used by men. I remember, 12 years old, my friend invited me to her home for a sleepover and she had family. One of the uncles told me I was “so pretty” and forced me to sit on his lap while he laughed and patted my thigh. I remember feeling SO uncomfortable but not knowing why at the time. Later I realized how messed up that was, and I mean, I still remember it.

Men looking into my cleavage without any constraints. Men saying I was wearing a capital V for a shirt because I like shirts that are open at the front. Men trying to force a kiss onto me. Men who tried to get me to leave my boyfriend for them. Everything I did, men commented on.

My own husband, complaining I didn’t shave my legs or elsewhere, and me feeling absolutely weird about it. I don’t think he realizes, but I don’t want to feel like a child. I’m a grown woman. I’m not super skinny, I have large breasts, and I have curves... and I have decide to embrace them. I never thought I was pretty somehow, that the only time I would feel pretty is when men told me I was. Never again.

As horrible as what’s happening out there is... it helped me in its own way realize that I don’t want to live like this anymore. And I won’t. But I feel violated just the same, and I’m so disappointed in myself for not seeing it sooner.

I know my journal entries aren’t very optimistic. But it’s my website and I do with it what I wish. You’re not forced to read them. But if you do, and you have something to add, or this resonates with you, hit me up on the guestbook, or send me an email.

- Trellia

I never know how to start these things.

The last half of 2025 was excruciatingly painful, much like the beginning of 2026 was. I’m not doing well. My family feels like its falling apart and an illness is plaguing us. I’ve not been working since november to try and keep up with everything.

The world feels like it’s also falling apart. Is there any good people left? Honestly, after today, it leaves me wondering. I’m very strong on justice and the lack of it just... depresses me. We’ve been conditioned to believe a superhero, or a band of them, would rescue the world before it explodes... and how I wish it were true. I wish there was someone out there with enough love and leverage to end the horrible things I see every day. I always thought the most evil acts were learned from and not to be repeated. How wrong I was. The truth is that I’m heartbroken and nostalgic for a world that never really existed: a world I thought was good at its core. Instead, the richest people in the world hold everyone hostage. I’m tired.

I'm tired of the world.
Tired of illnesses.
Tired of living.

- Trellia
"I still use the internet like it's 1995."

No wonder millenials like me are so, so nostalgic. Everything bad that’s happened in the past 15-20 years or so have been thanks to one man who has been dictating how the world will be shaped. Micro transactions is one of them. Pretty sure there’s a responsibility somewhere about the greying of everything, how colors disappeared.

We weren’t crazy when we said the world looks different. And I feel sick thinking how much influence horrible, demonic people have had on our current society. The creation of horrible, evil movements is beyond comprehensible – and reprehensible. I put a child in this world and I regret it. I don’t regret my child, I regret that she isn’t able to live in the safe world I thought existed at the time.

I was so naive. I really thought the world was good. I thought we had learned from past mistakes and strolled forward. Instead, we were promised a future and then they took it away, ripped it out of our hands like you steal candy from a child. Countless children missing and we may know where a lot of them went now. And this vision men have of women looking as young as possible came from them too – this absolutely disgusting, ped*philic view makes so much sense now.

Everywhere I turn, another horrible revelation. Everywhere I look, another terrible thing. It’s exhausting and while I know it’s by design, it’s hard escaping it. I’ve been trying to be more independent, but I’ve made mistakes. I used to think most companies wanted to satisfy the consumer so they would come back, so I did, at least once, offer my ID. Sadly, it’s done, but I’m not doing it again, and that was years ago. The internet is crashing out too. I’m trying to join more independent spaces, creating a website to express myself freely. I’ve got my own music and an mp3 player. I want to get rid of my phone eventually and go back to simple phone line. I want to feel safe... not from random criminals but from governments looking to control everything we do.

I just want to live in a world where people are taken care of and happy. Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp? We’re all humans... we should stick together, not tear at each other....